13 Halloween Candies That Will Ensure Your House Gets Egged
Don't say we didn't warn you.
Runts
If you want to hand out candy-coated gobs of sugar, at least go for Nerds. Banana-flavored treats should be against the Geneva Convention.
Tootsie Flavor Roll Twisties
Now, this is how you take kids through a rollercoaster of emotions. Almost every house that serves these gives out a big handful (red flag: not even the homeowner wants leftovers), so you think "Score! Lots of candy!" then a minor letdown—"oh, it's Tootsie Rolls"—followed by searing heartbreak: "...and they taste like citrus and cough medicine."
PHOTO: Amazon
Black Licorice
Wow, you really hate children, don't you? You have to go out of your way to find black licorice these days, so uh, congrats on being committed to your cause, curmudgeon.
Bazooka Bubble Gum
Eventually, if you chew long enough, that powder-coated pink brick starts to break down into something resembling gum, rewarding you with flavor that lasts 3 whole minutes—and a sore jaw that lasts 3 hours.
PHOTO: Bazooka/Facebook
Palmer's Chocolates
These candies trick you, because they look on-point for the holiday. "Ooh, look, kiddies! It's an eyeball! But wait—surprise!—it's really chalky chocolate with a mediocre goo filling!" It's the first time kids will actually ask you for a real eyeball instead. (Kids are macabre these days.)
PHOTO: Amazon
Butter Mints
You know what this tells trick-or-treaters? You forgot it was Oct. 31st until the doorbell rang, then hastily chipped away at the glommed-on butter mints from the crystal bowl your great aunt Hilda left you. Or you rummaged through your coat pockets until you found some leftover mints from that time you went hog wild at that all-you-can-eat buffet.
Halloween-themed Mini Water Bottles
This is totally thoughtful—and the emotional equivalent of giving kids a rock (a la Charlie Brown). Leave the hydration duties to their parental units.
Candy Corn
The true magic of is how it can inadvertently teach kids the law of diminishing returns—with each bite, you like them less. And less. And less.
Circus Peanuts
Your heart's in the right place: Clearly, you want to give children a post-Halloween craft, using these peanuts as filling for a homemade bean bag. Or as questionably biodegradable packing peanuts for the holiday season. Unfortunately, all the kid sees is a raging disappointment.
Peanut Butter Kisses
These sound like they should be delicious, but they're just a very disappointing stand-in for actual taffy—or, better yet, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.
Necco Wafers
Nostalgic candies are great and all, but what are you trying to remind kids of here? That time they were double-dog-dared to eat paper and realized it tasted like nothing? You can do better. There's a whole candy aisle of better out there.
PHOTO: Amazon
Pixy Stix
In this case, it won't be the kids TP-ing your house; it'll be the parents, after they've spent all night dealing with short-circuiting, sugar-bombed kids and vacuumed Pixy Stix powder out of the carpets.
Smarties
This candy is a Decepticon—and an excellent lesson in marketing 101. The name makes you think you're a genius for grabbing one, but after sucking on a few bland pucks, you start to feel like a dunce.
Runts
If you want to hand out candy-coated gobs of sugar, at least go for Nerds. Banana-flavored treats should be against the Geneva Convention.
Tootsie Flavor Roll Twisties
Now, this is how you take kids through a rollercoaster of emotions. Almost every house that serves these gives out a big handful (red flag: not even the homeowner wants leftovers), so you think "Score! Lots of candy!" then a minor letdown—"oh, it's Tootsie Rolls"—followed by searing heartbreak: "...and they taste like citrus and cough medicine."
PHOTO: Amazon
Black Licorice
Wow, you really hate children, don't you? You have to go out of your way to find black licorice these days, so uh, congrats on being committed to your cause, curmudgeon.
Bazooka Bubble Gum
Eventually, if you chew long enough, that powder-coated pink brick starts to break down into something resembling gum, rewarding you with flavor that lasts 3 whole minutes—and a sore jaw that lasts 3 hours.
PHOTO: Bazooka/Facebook
Palmer's Chocolates
These candies trick you, because they look on-point for the holiday. "Ooh, look, kiddies! It's an eyeball! But wait—surprise!—it's really chalky chocolate with a mediocre goo filling!" It's the first time kids will actually ask you for a real eyeball instead. (Kids are macabre these days.)
PHOTO: Amazon
Butter Mints
You know what this tells trick-or-treaters? You forgot it was Oct. 31st until the doorbell rang, then hastily chipped away at the glommed-on butter mints from the crystal bowl your great aunt Hilda left you. Or you rummaged through your coat pockets until you found some leftover mints from that time you went hog wild at that all-you-can-eat buffet.
Halloween-themed Mini Water Bottles
This is totally thoughtful—and the emotional equivalent of giving kids a rock (a la Charlie Brown). Leave the hydration duties to their parental units.
Candy Corn
The true magic of is how it can inadvertently teach kids the law of diminishing returns—with each bite, you like them less. And less. And less.
Circus Peanuts
Your heart's in the right place: Clearly, you want to give children a post-Halloween craft, using these peanuts as filling for a homemade bean bag. Or as questionably biodegradable packing peanuts for the holiday season. Unfortunately, all the kid sees is a raging disappointment.
Peanut Butter Kisses
These sound like they should be delicious, but they're just a very disappointing stand-in for actual taffy—or, better yet, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.
Necco Wafers
Nostalgic candies are great and all, but what are you trying to remind kids of here? That time they were double-dog-dared to eat paper and realized it tasted like nothing? You can do better. There's a whole candy aisle of better out there.
PHOTO: Amazon
Pixy Stix
In this case, it won't be the kids TP-ing your house; it'll be the parents, after they've spent all night dealing with short-circuiting, sugar-bombed kids and vacuumed Pixy Stix powder out of the carpets.
Smarties
This candy is a Decepticon—and an excellent lesson in marketing 101. The name makes you think you're a genius for grabbing one, but after sucking on a few bland pucks, you start to feel like a dunce.
Runts
If you want to hand out candy-coated gobs of sugar, at least go for Nerds. Banana-flavored treats should be against the Geneva Convention.
Tootsie Flavor Roll Twisties
Now, this is how you take kids through a rollercoaster of emotions. Almost every house that serves these gives out a big handful (red flag: not even the homeowner wants leftovers), so you think "Score! Lots of candy!" then a minor letdown—"oh, it's Tootsie Rolls"—followed by searing heartbreak: "...and they taste like citrus and cough medicine."
PHOTO: Amazon
Black Licorice
Wow, you really hate children, don't you? You have to go out of your way to find black licorice these days, so uh, congrats on being committed to your cause, curmudgeon.
Bazooka Bubble Gum
Eventually, if you chew long enough, that powder-coated pink brick starts to break down into something resembling gum, rewarding you with flavor that lasts 3 whole minutes—and a sore jaw that lasts 3 hours.
PHOTO: Bazooka/Facebook
Palmer's Chocolates
These candies trick you, because they look on-point for the holiday. "Ooh, look, kiddies! It's an eyeball! But wait—surprise!—it's really chalky chocolate with a mediocre goo filling!" It's the first time kids will actually ask you for a real eyeball instead. (Kids are macabre these days.)
PHOTO: Amazon
Butter Mints
You know what this tells trick-or-treaters? You forgot it was Oct. 31st until the doorbell rang, then hastily chipped away at the glommed-on butter mints from the crystal bowl your great aunt Hilda left you. Or you rummaged through your coat pockets until you found some leftover mints from that time you went hog wild at that all-you-can-eat buffet.
Halloween-themed Mini Water Bottles
This is totally thoughtful—and the emotional equivalent of giving kids a rock (a la Charlie Brown). Leave the hydration duties to their parental units.
Candy Corn
The true magic of is how it can inadvertently teach kids the law of diminishing returns—with each bite, you like them less. And less. And less.
Circus Peanuts
Your heart's in the right place: Clearly, you want to give children a post-Halloween craft, using these peanuts as filling for a homemade bean bag. Or as questionably biodegradable packing peanuts for the holiday season. Unfortunately, all the kid sees is a raging disappointment.
Peanut Butter Kisses
These sound like they should be delicious, but they're just a very disappointing stand-in for actual taffy—or, better yet, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.
Necco Wafers
Nostalgic candies are great and all, but what are you trying to remind kids of here? That time they were double-dog-dared to eat paper and realized it tasted like nothing? You can do better. There's a whole candy aisle of better out there.
PHOTO: Amazon
Pixy Stix
In this case, it won't be the kids TP-ing your house; it'll be the parents, after they've spent all night dealing with short-circuiting, sugar-bombed kids and vacuumed Pixy Stix powder out of the carpets.
Smarties
This candy is a Decepticon—and an excellent lesson in marketing 101. The name makes you think you're a genius for grabbing one, but after sucking on a few bland pucks, you start to feel like a dunce.
Don't say we didn't warn you.
If you hand out these treats (if you can even call them that), expect to get a few tricks in return.